IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR ALL USERS OF WINDOWS XP

Microsoft XP is pretty weak at protecting your computer from viruses. It also crashes a lot. So, Microsoft has sent a notice to all XP users with important information.

IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR ALL USERS OF WINDOWS XP

It has recently come to our attention (after reading thousands of letters about how Microsoft totally screwed its customers) that there may be flaws in our XP software. More importantly, its recently come to our lawyers attention that we have to do
something about it. These minor flaws have, to date allowed hackers to steal hundreds of
millions of dollars from the 50 million plus XP users. While this amount is an insignificant pittance when compared to the hundreds of billions of dollars Microsoft made of consumers such as you, and equally insignificant when compared to the personal $49 billion of Microsoft founder William H. Gates, we’ve nonetheless decided to get around to finally doing something about it.

We are pleased to announce that we have just released Service Pack 2 (SP2) with the hope it can undo some of the flaws that were loaded onto your computer when you downloaded Service Pack 1.

Be assured that SP2 will cover many large security holes. Any new security holes that it will open will most likely be smaller… or at least different. We think.

SP2 will feature enhanced security features. It will automatically take all your financial information, including credit & debit card info and bank account numbers and put them in a special unnamed folder. Anyone hacking your computer via the internet will just see a folder marked $$$$$$. There will be no hint as to what kind of information is inside!

Should any virus or worm manage to infect your computer, SP2 will immediately crash your system to prevent any theft of information, while simultaneously notifying Microsoft, so we don’t download the icky virus onto our computers!

A robust Automatic Pop-Up Ad Blocker has been added! No more strange ads from companies offering you shady deals on mortgage rates, life insurance and inferior products that compete with ours!

And finally, SP2 will set your computer so that it will perform more efficiently and download updates automatically! We think.

Worries about downloading SP2 are groundless because we are already working on SP3, which will undo the further damage SP2 will do to your computer. Preliminary plans for SP4, SP5, SP6 and SP6.5 are already in the works!

Coupon Funbooks

If you or parents or grandparents have ever been to Las Vegas, you’ll know about the coupon funbooks given out all over the city, chock full of Vegas stuff like: a FREE Slot-Machine pull, HALF OFF to see Melinda-The Half Naked Magician at the Sahara, etc. So I’ve decided to compile “Coupon Funbooks for places other than Las Vegas!”

Bihar, India Funbook!
1. Present this coupon to your kidnapper and receive a 25% DISCOUNT OFF YOUR RANSOM!
*Not to be combined with other kidnapping offers.

2. FREE Mercedes service to Patna airport if you agree to transport a package through customs!

3. Buy one high level government official, and GET THE 2ND ONE FREE!

Ramallah, Palestinian West Bank Funbook!
1. FREE smiling photo op with this week’s visiting US peace negotiator!

2. HALF OFF YOUR ROOM RATE if an Israeli shell takes half of your room!

3. GOOD FOR ONE(1) Souvenir Rock actually thrown by a Palestinian kid during the Intifada!
*Not valid on rocks caked with blood!

Pyongyang, North Korea Funbook!
1. Complimentary AUTHENTIC NATIVE DIRT Lunch!

2. 10% OFF Regular salon price of a “JONG-IL” haircut! Always look like our beloved, supremely fashionable Leader!
*No appointment required, takes just 3 minutes!

3. ADMIT ONE to the next unannounced test firing of a ballistic missile over either Japan or South Korea. The fireworks…. The civilian panic…. The indignation from the world leaders!
*Offer not valid to employees of the CIA and their families.

Paris, France Funbook!
1. ONE FREE lecture about “American Imperialism” from a surrender prone French person!

2. 10% OFF already inflated price of any substance labelled “Gourmet Food.”

3. Good for ONE feigned Parisian SMILE during your visit
*Good for one smile only. Not transferable. Offer does not guarantee the absence of
muttering.

Riyadh, Saudi Arabia Funbook!
1. TWO FREE SHOW TICKETS to the weekly taping of Saudi Arabia’s hottest reality TV shows! Choose from either "Stoning of the Adulterers" or "Beheading of the thieves in Public Square"* These are not dramatizations! You catch it, you keep it!
*Spectators in first three rows will get wet! Don’t wear clothes you care about.

2. ONE COMPLIMENTARY (and mandatory) burqa for every female visitor and ONE (and only one) COMPLIMENTARY reprieve from beating by religious police for not wearing complimentary (and mandatory) burqa.

3. AN ACTUAL BARREL OF SAUDI CRUDE OIL FOR ONLY*
*Price subject to the whims of the Sheikhs.

Beijing, China Funbook!
1. GOOD FOR ONE healthy vital organ of your choice harvested from a recently executed political prisoner! *
*Does not include spleens. Tissue match not guaranteed. Customer must supply own organ-carrying case.

2. FREE UPGRADE to SEMI PRIVATE quarantine once you suspected of having contracted SARS or Bird flu.

3. FREE tour of state run “SWEATSHOP” where some of your favourite name-brand footwear and clothing is made!

Baghdad, Iraq Funbook! New and Improved, Baghdad, Free Republic of Iraq Funbook!
1. FREE photo with former Saddam “decoy double!” (Or is it?)

2. HALF OFF admission on Saddam’s Grand Royal Palace Tour (over 300 locations to choose from)

3. 10 FREE whacks with your shoe on the toppled Saddam statue of your choice!*
*Not responsible for lost or damaged footwear. Sorry, no sandals.

Barbie's letter to Ken

Barbie and Ken broke up after 43 years together last year. This shattered the hearts of millions of devoted fans (notice I say devoted and not particularly bright). Now, from the hidden Barbie archives of the CIA, a break up letter has emerged! Here is the break up letter by Barbie to Ken: -

Dear Ken,
It’s over. After 43 years of waiting for you to commit, I realized I wasn’t getting any younger. Of course, I’m not getting any older either. But I still think it’s time for us to see other dolls and action figures. It’s time to play the field.

Since we started dating I’ve been a fashion designer, an astronaut, an animal doctor, a rock singer, an actress, a painter, a fire fighter, a palaeontologist, a pilot, a Marine, a lifeguard, a ballerina, a dentist, a stewardess, a sales clerk and a candidate for President. What have you ever done?

Being a plastic boy toy is no way to spend a life, Ken. It’s time for you to get real.

I still remember the night I came home early to our hot tub and bathworks playset, and found you there, naked with G.I. Joe. You said it was innocent, that you’d only stripped off each other’s clothes because kid drew all over them in purple marker. And I took a chance and believed you. After all neither of you have a -----. But I had doubts.

Then, after I found a pair of raggedy panties in the glove compartment of your convertible, I had some major life decisions to make. Decisions harder than “strawberry lip gloss or cherry?”

And I came to realize that I have some self esteem issues. I’m famous, I’m rich, I’m an icon, and still I can’t get a marriage proposal out of you after 40 years. Who do you think I am? Oprah? A girl can only stare at her disco lamp, her slide n’ splash pool, her karaoke kit and her other 43,000 items for so long.

We’ve grown apart. You’ve always treated me like I’m some kind of interchangeable bimbo, as if there are a billion other dolls out there just like me. Haven’t I always maintained my perfect 10/10 figure? Or am I just some kind of hollow plaything/ How I’ve longed to hear those three little words from you, Ken, and I don’t mean “I need biceps.”

I need some shelf space. I feel like I’m suffocating inside a small cardboard box. I’m in pain, Ken, and not just from holding that same blank expression since 1961. I still have fake feelings for you. My love once burned as brightly as the 3-watt bulb in my oven. This break up doesn’t have to be forever. After we’ve had some time to think, after we’ve discovered where our lives are headed, and especially after the marketing department of Mattel milks the everloving piss out of this, we’ll get back together. Probably just in time for the holiday season.

Party on,
Barbie

Bad Money-Saving 'Coupons'

You know, what would happen if you recieved really stupid coupons with your newspaper or at your doorstep, instead of the usual Domino's or Pizza Hut ones? You'd freak out! Here are some examples of those type of coupons: -

Save $1.50 when you buy Monthlies expandable diapers! Hurry! Offer expires today!
Announcing the arrival of MONTHLIES! The new expandable diapers!
With new Monthlies, constant changing's a thing of the past! A patented reservoir fanny e-x-p-a-n-d-s to carry a month's worth of load - as much as your little one can dish out! A super absorbent, quicklime lining locks in most odours while decomposing waste. Dated "change me" stickers reind you when it's time to change the diaper.
Warning:May cause severe rashes in some infants. Also no money back for diarrhoeatic infants.

Save $1.00 when you buy any size bag of 3rd degree Spontaneous Combustion Charcoal Squares and 3rd degree Oily Rags. In a forgotten corner of your local supermarket. Expires sometime this year.
Tired of waiting.... and waiting.... and waiting.... for the grill to heat up? Food's ready faster when the charcoal starts itself! Buy 3rd degree Spontaneous Combustion Charcoal Squares!
Warning:Never store loose charcoal squares in baby's crib without adequate ventilation.

Save $0.50 on buying 3 cans of Fixed Income Fixins Cat & Lunatic Food - Tuna & Cheese Taco. Hurry! Expired just a few minutes ago!
"A delicious meal we can enjoy together!" says Idiot refering to her cat and herself. She is a resident of the Missippi Mental Institution and she and her cat enjoy it so much that they eat it from teh same can!
Warning:May contain traces of horsemeat/pee.

Buy one entree, Get one free! Of significantly lesser value when you order three addtional meals, combos, party platters or catering service for 24 at regular price.
Hurligan's! The mid-priced restaurant chain outside an office building where really low-income families come to celebrate a birthday! Also 2 summer favourites are given below which are available for just $12.99 each for a limited time only!
1. Combo Feast Platter
a) Refried Burrito Toast
b) Six Microwave Popcorn Shrimp
c) Three Pluck & Chew Chicken Guts
d) 800 ml of the batter dipped in by someone else's steak!
e) Plus All You Can Eat From Our Bottomless Squid Cooker!

2. Platter Feast Combo
a) Steak and Cheese Fried In Broccoli Sauce
b) Chicken-Fried Potato
c) Four Pry & Yank Digested Crab Legs
d) Four Sauteed Chicken Bladders
e) All this and unlimited visits to the pudding vat!
PS:Present coupon to serve with secret handshake. Offer not valid on weekends or holidays, during breakfast, lunch or dinner.

It's a comedy, it's a drama, it's a reality show!

You know, these days, the comedies are getting dramatic, the reality shows are getting, well, less real! But, there are telltale signs to diffrentiate between them. Here they are: -

Comedy - When someone gets sick from eating too much
Drama - When someone gets sick from eating too little
Reality Show - When someone gets sick from eating frog testicles

Comedy - If she keeps the baby
Drama - If she aborts it
Reality Show - If there are cameras in the room either way

Comedy - When the hookers are personable and gorgeous
Drama - When the hookers are gorgeous and murderable
Reality Show - When the hookers are ugly and missing teeth

Comedy - When the cops are buffoons
Drama - When the cops are corrupt
Reality Show - When the cops are involved in high speed chases of shirtless drunk men

Comedy - If dreams of meeting a wife/husband come true
Drama - If dreams of meeting a wife/husband come with complications
Reality Show - If dreams of meeting a wife/husband come with an elimination round

Comedy - When the gay guy gets the best lines
Drama - When the gay guy gets the cold shoulder
Reality Show - When you have to guess who the gay guy is

This should help you when you turn on your television.