What CEOs actually think about their corporate "mission statements."

Microsoft - "Your Potential. Our Passion." Yep, that's the "mission statement" of a company that's developed XP which is definitely helping hackers to develop their passion!!! Here are what CEOs actually think about their corporate "mission statements" told the truth!!! : -

1. Saks Fifth Avenue
"Our aim is to sell clothing so hideously overpriced that even a famous actress like Drew Barrymore has to shoplift from us."

2. KFC
"Our CEOs name is Rooster Murga Tandoori. He likes chicken and so do you, you idiots, wasting your money on nothing but chicken that you need to buy and then fry in oil."

3. Death Row Records
"Our aim is to effectively foster an environment of assertive creativity, whereby rappers are provided with a nurturing and judgement-free atmosphere to freely voice their opinion on bitches and ho's."

4. Coca Cola
"See what Pepsi's doing. Do that."

5. Pepsi
"See what Coke's doing. Do that."

6. Red Bull
"Our mission is to market our dangerously hyper-caffinated drink with a not-so-subtle but untrue message that the drinker will get high."

7. McDonalds
"Our mission is to give to you cheese, chicken, beef, cheese, chicken, beef, cheese, chicken, beef. Then we start salads. Then after you get your arteries blocked, we make you friends with Bill CLinton who still has 10,000 discount
coupons."

8. The Indian National Cricket Team
"We'll give you a brilliant win. Eventually. Maybe. Maybe not. What? We lost to Bangladesh by 125 runs? Okay, we suck."

My Handy Glossary to the "War on Terror"

You know, I hate George Walker Bush. He's an idiot. Now, many people in the world are really, really, confused about why or what the Iraqi War was for. It's been news for 2 years now, and well, here's my handy glossary to it spanning the 2 years and events surrounding it: -

1. CHEMICAL WEAPONS - Something the Iraqi devils probably used on the US troops in the 1991 war. (However, Pentagon doctors want to remind all veterans reading this that any symptoms of "Gulf War Syndrome" are 100% imaginary.)

2. CYNIC - The Bush administration's term for anybody who'd kind of like to see even one bottle turn up from that massive Iraqi supply of "25,000 litres of anthrax, 38,000 litres of botulinum toxin, and 500 tons of sarin, mustard, and VX nerve agent" George Bush trumpeted in his State of the Union Address.

3. "ANOTHER VIETNAM" - A ridiculous assertion made by the opponents of the war, who don't comprehend the very significant differences between the Middle East and South-East Asia; you can sell a barrel of oil much more than you can sell a barrel of rice.

4. INCREASED CHATTER - Endless background noise that was heard on CNN and FOX and talk radio from thousands of pundits who think that statements like "No blood for oil!" or "I support the troops!" are exceptionally deep statements.

5. EMBEDDED REPORTER - A professional journalist who will report fully, fairly and without bias on the same people he's dependent to keep his ass alive.

6. INTELLIGENCE FAILURE - Calling the war "a crusade," declaring the fighting "over," inviting motivated killers to "bring it on," or whatever boneheaded thing Bush said over the past 2 years and most probably will continue to say till his term ends.

7. COLLATERAL DAMAGE - The offical military explanation as to why there are so many empty seats lately in Umm Qasr's 5th grade classroom.

8. "FREEING THE IRAQI PEOPLE" - White House catch phrase no 3 after "Weapons of Mass Destruction" and "Links to Al-Qaeda" didn't do so well. If this also fails somehow, they might turn to "It's FUN blowing things up!"

9. "BRING IT ON" - Bushy's taunt to America's enemies, apparently meant to intimidate people the sort of people who already blow themselves up with a smile.

10. NATION-BUILDING - Something you sort of have to do after bombing a nation into jillions of teeny pieces, destroying their economy and killing dozens of thousands of them.

11. DEMOCRACY - A hypothetical form of government which is promised to the people of Baghdad and Kabul, and which has already happened in Afghanistan and is happening in Iraq, just that there's this small problems of lots and lots of damage and thousands of militants.

12. BROADBASED INTERNATIONAL COALITION - 139,000 US troops and a guy from Bulgaria.

13. "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" - The White House definition of knocking over a statue.

14. SMALL POCKET OF PROTESTERS - A few billion people around the world.

15. MASS SURRENDER - What the media does at every Bush press conference.

16. PRE-EMPTIVE WARFARE - A brand-new US policy apparently after seeing repeats of some of Mike Tyson's early matches.

17. "HEARTS AND MINDS OF THE IRAQI PEOPLE" - The stuff CNN and FOX don't show you splattered all over the Iraqi rubble.

18. AMERICANS ARE REALLY STUPID - A term referring to 60 million Americans who elected Bush for a second term even after he kills thousand of them, Afghanis and Iraqis. Though they might have been more concerned about their economy at that time than deaths of innocent people. But, it's not their fault, it's their extremely stupid educational system's fault. And they cry wolf after companies outsource their jobs to Indians.

Hope many people will now be enlightened.

The League of Rejected Superheroes

What makes a good superhero? Strength? Honour? Bravery? Yep... that about sums it up! But what makes a really bad superhero? Here is my list of really bad and rejected superheroes: -

1. Inebrion (The superhero who can't stay sober)
Derives Power From: Johnny Walker, Chivas Regal and Glenfiddich.
Superpower: Can throw a midget farther than any mortal man.
Faithful Sidekick: None really, though he hangs out occasionally with Allen Iverson after 76er games.
Mortal Enemy: Mormons who knock on his door early sunday morning.
Achilles Heel: Cirrhosis (Go figure if you don't know what it is).
Super Vehicle: Was impounded after he couldn't pay the fines.

2. Scantily Clad Woman
From: The Twelfth Vortex of the Wox Galaxy, during summer, Shelter Island.
Secret Weapon: Decoder Nipple Ring.
Not-so Secret Weapon: The Wonderbra.
Achilles Heel: Very sensitive to jokes about her outie belly button.
Fee: $120 for regular crime fighting, $300 for "full service eradication of evil."
Special Talent: Eating popsicles in slow motion.

3. The Entomologist (The life size bug)
Day Job: Professor of Icky Bug Studies at Megalopolis University.
Superpower: Ultra-slow walking ability.
Origin of Superpower: Being bitten by a tortoise at the zoo (which really pissed him off as he was hoping for some insect connection).
Sport He Finds Boring But Has To Go Along To Fit The Theme: Cricket.
Achilles Heel: Doesn't have one, but it doesn't matter as he never puts himself in harm's way.
Vehicle: Volkswagen Jetta, but he'd much prefer a Beetle because he's really haunted by not having that afore mentioned insect connection.

4. Mediocre Man
From: Queens.
Origin: His father had sex with his mother thus producing a fertilized egg. Then 9 months later.....
Superpower: Ability to see through windows and can guess most answers on Who Wants To Be a Millionare.
Achilles Heel: Tendinitis.
Favourite Useless Football Team: Nauru.
Gained Superpower: By watching TV.

5. Sloggtor of Globbzorr
From: Well, Globbzorr. Duh.
Superpower: Super Savings Coupon Power, via a weekly mailed circular.
Faithful Sidekick: Actually he has none, but he tells people its Robin Williams.
Mortal Enemy: His two-faced, two-timing, shank of a wife's divorce lawyer.
Dark Secret: Often sets to put the clock ahead for daylight saving time.
Catchphrase: "Buy my cereal, kids!"

6. Vocabullon
Profile: Uses his awesome knowledge of words to annoy and bore evildoers into submission.
Main Powers: Perspicacity, erudition.
Vulnerable To: Quotidian obstreperousness.
Nemesis: The Incorrigible Perambulator.
High School Nicknames: Show off, dickweed.
Catch Phrase: Too long and tedious to mention here.

7. Apathenia (The Queen of not giving a damn)
Resides In: So-Whatopolis.
True Identity: Who cares?
Guiding Principle: You're joking right?
Main Superpower: Ability to sigh and roll eyes at the same time.
Catch Phrase: "Yeah, whatever."

The 5 most-likely things Michael Jackson was thinking while having his mug shot photo taken

Here they are. The thoughts of one of the biggest wierdos in the world while he was having his mug shot photo taken: -

1. Ha! The joke's on you cops! I'm not gonna look anything like this two months from now!
2. That policeman over there is cute! Wonder if he has a son?
3. This bad lighting and cheap camera are gonna make me look like a freak!
4. Oh, great! Another $20 million in hush money I've gotta come up with! Guess I'll have to sell off a few more Beatles songs for TV commercials!
5. Did I remember to turn off the ferris wheel before I left home?

Well, I hope this will give you an outlook into the mind of the Afro-Caucasian-Mutant who lost his marbles a little more than a decade ago.

An open letter from Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson made an open letter which was not shown to the public as it was originally intended to. Here is that letter: -

This message is to update you all on how I'm holding up under the scurrilous, calumnious and vilipending charges against me. The bad news is that even I'm not sure what I'm saying anymore.
Because of the serious nature of the charges, I hope you understand that my comments will often have to be limited. However, my lawyers and I will do our best to fill the void with anonymous smear tactics, garish goodwill publicity ops, fake paid for fan vigils and blaming the victim.
The accusations against me are lies, all lies. Remember, a lie runs outside and wins the Olympic 100m race, while the truth us upstairs getting a foot massage. And after all, I'm a guy who faked his age in the Jackson 5, pretended to date girls like Brooke Shields and continue to claim that I've had only two minor plastic surgeries on my nose. So, I know a lie when I see one!
Some devilish punchinellos have speculated that these young boys allow me to abuse them because they are dazzled by my superstardom and fame. More media lies, lies, lies!!! Fact is, it's been so long since I've had a hit a record that most of the kids who visit me have no clue about what I ever did for a living.
Have you ever seen the smile on a sick child's face? Have you ever given your heart to goodness? Have you ever worn a feathered harlequin while a bottomless boy dripped candle wax up and down your thighs? Well, in my case it's a "yes" to 1&2 and a "no" to 3.
These charges are so hurtful and wrong. I have always tried to make this a better world for children. Whether through my Neverland Ranch Cancer Treatment Clinic for Hot 9-Year-Olds or through my treacly charity singles that those morons in Bulgaria seem to like, I live to help the children. I've given so much of my personal fortune to children, occasionally by binding settlement. (Yeah, those $20 million really paid of for me, huh?) Every penny I make is for the children. In fact there are rooms in house where I can't afford to have windows. Or doorknobs on the inside.
However, there is no so-called "molestation room" in my home. And even if there were such a room, the entrance would definitely not be located behind the lifesize Pinnochio robot on the second floor. If any police are reading this, doNOT, I repeat doNOT turn his bowtie to the left.
I cannot address specifics in this case. However my accuser says that the man who made inappropriate sexual contact with him was a 45-year-old Afro-Caucasian-Mutant with 3 holes in the nose. EEE hee hee!!! This proves my innocence, as I now have 5 holes in my nose. So it couldn't have been me.
I would like to thank those who have stood by me during this ordeal. Friends in the music industry such as Pete Townshend and R. Kelly. Huge relevant stars like Elizabeth Taylor and Macaulay Culkin. And of course my invisible bear, Rollo.
I believe in the truth. I look forward to answering these succubanios and asturgnical charges in court before a jury of my peers and as soon as you guys find 12 germ phobic elfin freaks with pet giraffes to be that jury, give me a call. Until then, beat it. Just beat it.

I love you all (Allegedly),
Michael Jackson

Dating tips for the mentally unstable

Well, now lets go to the tips. Do you hear voices at the back of your head? Did you eat your pee once? Did you kill the white suit man at the mental institution and run away? Well, then you're most probably mentally unstable!

I. Here are some dating tips for you:-

1. EYE CONTACT
When you try to look at her, remeber that an alluring glance does not mean drooling, self touching, creepy half smiles or going up to her and giving her a baby white shark as a gift.

2. THE PICK UP
When you're trying to ask her out, establish a pretense of common experiences to justify the urge to mate. Like, "Hey, have you ever had electro-shock therapy? Uh, I mean that's nuts! I have a radio in my car, too."

3. THE ONSET OF DATING
If you've somehow asked her out and she's agreed to go, then always think of someone half way normal and try to act like that person. Like, "Sometimes I squeeze kittens really hard, or rather I do not."
You should slowly reveal slight idiosyncrasies using the occasional white lie. Like when she asks you, "Oh, what'd you take lithium for?" You reply, "Er ... allergies."

4. POST DATE COMMUNICATIONS
While talking to her on the phone, use one of your multiple personalities (perhaps Michael Jackson the mutant?) to explain the troubling noises in the background. Don't tell her that your 'friends' are taking the heart out of a duck with their bare hands. Tell her that you're watching TV and studying for a MBA.
When the voices tell you that sending her 178 text messages will make her feel special, remind them of the restraining orders in the past.
Refrain from sending email attachments that include images of animal genatalia or online coupons for breast implants.

5. THE KISS
Nothing, I repeat nothing, tells 'the end' like a wad of your mozzarela melt making the mid-smooch mouth transfer right after you've whispered creepy nothings in her year. Use a sedative if necessary.

6. DOING IT
To encourage cooperation with your specific romantic needs, be sure to keep complimenting her. Like after you've dressed her in a transparent red and yellow clown costume, say something like, "Dang! You look so smurfin' skinny!"

7. OPENING UP
The hormones that govern this crucial stage allow your true damaged, demented nature to be exposed and accepted through the haze of newfound love. Tell her about how you eat anyone's scabs and about the affair you had with your great-great-grandmother.

8. COMMITMENT
Make it clear that when you say that you don't want to be commited, you mean to another mental institution, not the relationship. Don't climb on top of the refrigerator and say, "Ain't going back, ain't going back, ain't going back!"

9. MEETING THE FAMILY
It is suggested that you provide plenty of alcohol and perhaps a weapon, for this nerve wracking occasion when you take her to see your folks at the freak circus.

10. POPPING THE QUESTION
If, by some act of God (or pharmaceuticals) you've managed to win her heart, see if she's desperate enough to marry you. Don't kiss her like a neaderthal after she's said, "Well, if you really are going to peel your skin layer by layer and then throw yourself into a gravel pit without me in your life, then I guess my answer is yes."

11. THE HOMESTRETCH
And so, pledge your unnerving love and shuffle through the medicated haze, down the aisle into the rest of your life. Here would be your ideal speech, "I promise, with minimal amounts of duct tape to love, honour and cherish you more than my jackass carcass collection, in sick thoughts and in hell, in therapy and out, and to cleaver to you all the days of my life."

II. Now, here are some do's and don'ts: -

1. Do's -

a) Keep some comments like, "Your mom is hot" to yourself.

b) Imply you have a conscience by not trying to smile when the neighbour's house burns down. Say, "Yeah, awful!"

c) Control the urge to smell your fingers!

2. Don'ts -

a) Forget your medicines so that you don't cry when you don't get the last apple tart.

b) Speak in tongues like the time when you tried to say you lived her, but instead said, "Gibbleesooty bororjeh meholeass."

c) Include hand-washing as your favourite sport.

III. Now, some love hints: -

1. When sharing childhood memories, make the 'living in a crate' part sound like fun.

2. Remember that girls tend to get bored with things like sports, statistics and manifestos.

3. If she comments on your high speed moving facial tics, say that they're a product of her captivating beauty.

4. Never refer to her cooking as "As good as when I was in the institution."

5. To keep the romance alive, refrain from describing your privates at the dinner table.

I hope this will be helpful.

Symptoms of video game addiction!

Has your eye power increased to minus 6? Do you own hundreds of useless games? Here are the symptoms through which you can know wether or not you are a video game addict: -

1. Do you have more Mario tattoos than there are versions of the game?
2. Have you ever taken a gameboy advance to a funeral?
3. Have you ever put of dialing an emergency number like 911 just to finish a game of Crash Bandicoot?
4. Have you learnt how to shave without using your hands? (So that you can play while shaving)
5. Are you currently stalking any Japanese game designers with weird names like Yoshimoto Janakito?
6. Do you own more memory cards than legos?
7. Does your longstanding life dream include an extreme sega makeover? (To make yourself look like Sonic)
8. Did you ever camp out in front of a video game store just to be the first to buy a game no one else wanted?
9. Is your iPod filled with nothing but 1000 hours of video game sound effects?
10. Have you ever used a Sims character as a personal reference?
11. Have you installed surround sound on a handheld game?
12. Have you ever killed an executive of a video game company just because they dont make your favourite game like 'Asshole Fighter I'm a Zero 2'?

If you have these symptoms, then what the f*** are you doing reading this? Go to your nearest psychiarist for God's sake!