Well, now lets go to the tips. Do you hear voices at the back of your head? Did you eat your pee once? Did you kill the white suit man at the mental institution and run away? Well, then you're most probably mentally unstable!
I. Here are some dating tips for you:-
1. EYE CONTACT
When you try to look at her, remeber that an alluring glance does not mean drooling, self touching, creepy half smiles or going up to her and giving her a baby white shark as a gift.
2. THE PICK UP
When you're trying to ask her out, establish a pretense of common experiences to justify the urge to mate. Like, "Hey, have you ever had electro-shock therapy? Uh, I mean that's nuts! I have a radio in my car, too."
3. THE ONSET OF DATING
If you've somehow asked her out and she's agreed to go, then always think of someone half way normal and try to act like that person. Like, "Sometimes I squeeze kittens really hard, or rather I do not."
You should slowly reveal slight idiosyncrasies using the occasional white lie. Like when she asks you, "Oh, what'd you take lithium for?" You reply, "Er ... allergies."
4. POST DATE COMMUNICATIONS
While talking to her on the phone, use one of your multiple personalities (perhaps Michael Jackson the mutant?) to explain the troubling noises in the background. Don't tell her that your 'friends' are taking the heart out of a duck with their bare hands. Tell her that you're watching TV and studying for a MBA.
When the voices tell you that sending her 178 text messages will make her feel special, remind them of the restraining orders in the past.
Refrain from sending email attachments that include images of animal genatalia or online coupons for breast implants.
5. THE KISS
Nothing, I repeat nothing, tells 'the end' like a wad of your mozzarela melt making the mid-smooch mouth transfer right after you've whispered creepy nothings in her year. Use a sedative if necessary.
6. DOING IT
To encourage cooperation with your specific romantic needs, be sure to keep complimenting her. Like after you've dressed her in a transparent red and yellow clown costume, say something like, "Dang! You look so smurfin' skinny!"
7. OPENING UP
The hormones that govern this crucial stage allow your true damaged, demented nature to be exposed and accepted through the haze of newfound love. Tell her about how you eat anyone's scabs and about the affair you had with your great-great-grandmother.
8. COMMITMENT
Make it clear that when you say that you don't want to be commited, you mean to another mental institution, not the relationship. Don't climb on top of the refrigerator and say, "Ain't going back, ain't going back, ain't going back!"
9. MEETING THE FAMILY
It is suggested that you provide plenty of alcohol and perhaps a weapon, for this nerve wracking occasion when you take her to see your folks at the freak circus.
10. POPPING THE QUESTION
If, by some act of God (or pharmaceuticals) you've managed to win her heart, see if she's desperate enough to marry you. Don't kiss her like a neaderthal after she's said, "Well, if you really are going to peel your skin layer by layer and then throw yourself into a gravel pit without me in your life, then I guess my answer is yes."
11. THE HOMESTRETCH
And so, pledge your unnerving love and shuffle through the medicated haze, down the aisle into the rest of your life. Here would be your ideal speech, "I promise, with minimal amounts of duct tape to love, honour and cherish you more than my jackass carcass collection, in sick thoughts and in hell, in therapy and out, and to cleaver to you all the days of my life."
II. Now, here are some do's and don'ts: -
1. Do's -
a) Keep some comments like, "Your mom is hot" to yourself.
b) Imply you have a conscience by not trying to smile when the neighbour's house burns down. Say, "Yeah, awful!"
c) Control the urge to smell your fingers!
2. Don'ts -
a) Forget your medicines so that you don't cry when you don't get the last apple tart.
b) Speak in tongues like the time when you tried to say you lived her, but instead said, "Gibbleesooty bororjeh meholeass."
c) Include hand-washing as your favourite sport.
III. Now, some love hints: -
1. When sharing childhood memories, make the 'living in a crate' part sound like fun.
2. Remember that girls tend to get bored with things like sports, statistics and manifestos.
3. If she comments on your high speed moving facial tics, say that they're a product of her captivating beauty.
4. Never refer to her cooking as "As good as when I was in the institution."
5. To keep the romance alive, refrain from describing your privates at the dinner table.
I hope this will be helpful.
